cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
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He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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