Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
