it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
