I met the friendliest cop last night
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize
