I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
