did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have already put on my inside pants.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
