It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
