its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
