was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
