my mouth tastes like poor choices
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
