So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
