I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
