when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
