You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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