u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
