My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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