Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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