Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
