My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
