Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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