The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
