T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
