im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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