I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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