doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
