please come you make the beer taste better
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
