I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Don't make out with my wife yet
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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