you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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