I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
