Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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