Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a search helicopter?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
