$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office