I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?