all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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