did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
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i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
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You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life