I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
