I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
this beer tastes like vomit already
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
