Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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