Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
