if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize