i was rollin on her like bob the builder
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
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whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
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HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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