worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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