if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
