i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
