Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
