Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
