Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
