you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
