I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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