Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
