After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
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Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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