I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
