I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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