oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
