Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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