What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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