cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
