i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
