my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
