yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
