I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
