My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
