took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
