If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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