genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
