How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
